The Peace He Finally Found
by Forbidden Romance
Summary: A sequelcompanion piece to The Pain He Almost Couldn't Handle


-1_"I'm sorry, Noah. It's just--" Luke cut himself off, eyes wet with tears._

_Noah's own eyes were downcast. "Luke, I--what can--please, don't go. I--I need you."_

_"Noah, that's not," he started._

_"No, Luke, please…it's true. Don't go." He started to move closer to Luke, wanting to reach out for him._

_"It's not-- you-- You aren't enough to keep me here anymore," he lied, his gaze not meeting Noah's._

_Noah flinched, like a puppy about to be kicked. "Luke, I--"_

_Despite his better judgment, Luke went on. "I know this is hard for you, I do. But I can't wait around for you to come out and tell Maddie, and tell your father. You're hurting me. I care about you but it's not enough. You're not enough."_

_Noah's face contorted in pain. He opened his mouth, then closing it quickly. Finally, his cracked voice, murmured, "I--"_

_Luke hated to hurt him this way, but he just didn't know what to do anymore. He wasn't sure Noah would ever be the comfortable out man he wanted him to be--unashamed to be with Luke. Noah reached out, caressing Luke's face, a soft smile in place. The fear of someone seeing him and the denial wasn't on his face for once. It was a look of wonder and… something Luke couldn't place._

_Luke squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn't do this. When Noah touched him, he stopped thinking and common sense failed him. But at the same time, he was leaving, Noah would never touch him again, maybe he could just savor it._

_He could feel Noah's breath on his face, hovering just above his lips. He forced his eyes open, and he was staring into Noah's blue eyes. He felt Noah's hand slide to the back of his neck, felt him tugging him closer. Noah leaned down, pressing his lips to the corner of Luke's mouth, almost trying to see if Luke would let Noah kiss him._

_He pulled back a fraction, looking into Luke's eyes. They were closed, but he tilted his face up more toward Noah. But Noah didn't kiss his lips, not yet. He let his lips travel across Luke's face. Like he was trying to memorize Luke's face with his lips. His last kiss landed on Luke's lips, just pressure. And Luke could swear he felt tears fall onto his face._

_"Noah," he whispered finally. "Stop. Please. Just...stop."_

_Noah nodded, pulling away, eyes glassy and red._

_"Goodbye Noah."_

_He nodded again, looking afraid of what Luke didn't know--as it turned out it was of losing him. He didn't see Noah crumble to the ground, a mess of heartache and tears. He never saw what would become of him._

_Noah,_

_I know you probably don't_

_------------------------------------------------_

_Noah,_

_I'm sorry for leaving the way I_

_------------------------------------------------_

_Noah,_

_I didn't mean to_

_---------------------------------------------_

With each attempt, Luke stopped, the words failing him. How could he explain what he did, and why he did it? How could he explain his feelings? How do you apologize for this?

_Noah,_

_I miss you. I miss you so much. And I want to come back. I want to know how you are. I miss seeing you, hearing you. Sometimes I dream you've found me and you love me and…we're happy. But they're just dreams in the end. Right?_

_So, I was sitting here, thinking about how I left and I wondered what happened after I had left. I didn't mean to hurt you. I lied, you were more than enough to keep me there, even in denial you were enough. I left for me, to help me try to move on, which I guess was stupid because I still think about you, I still miss you. I still love you. But I also left for you. With me around, you were confused and on edge, I wanted to help, but what could I do? Out you? I couldn't do that to you, I know how hard it is._

_But sometimes I think about that kiss before I left and I think about what could have been, if I hadn't left. In that kiss I could almost believe that you really wanted me. And maybe you did, but not as much as you needed your father's approval. But that's not why I'm writing. What's the point in drawing up bad memories?_

_I hope you're doing okay. I don't think I'll ever send this letter, I don't want to interrupt your life, especially if you're happy. Whether with Maddie, another girl …or some guy._

_Maybe someday I'll come back,for a visit, at least._

_I love you._

_Luke_

He never sent it. What if Noah didn't want to hear from him? He didn't want to hurt him any more.

A week after his mother told him about Noah begging and praying for Luke to come back so he could tell him how sorry he was and how he'd do anything to change what happened, he thought about sending the letter then but he still couldn't, two weeks after he wrote the letter - Noah tried to commit suicide.

Luke came back for that he had to. When Luke got to his room, Noah was sleeping, slipping out just as Noah woke up. He never knew Noah had seen him leave and believed himself to be crazy because, Luke _couldn't_ have been there.

Luke didn't know what to think about Noah's suicide attempt. Lily tried to say it was because of Luke's absence but something made him not believe it. Maybe he just didn't want to believe Noah cared about him that much because that would just hurt more.

It was a year now, since he'd been to Oakdale - not including his brief visit to Noah's hospital room. And it was Christmas. Christmas was in his hotel room, because one of Luke's gifts was too big to lug to the house. He hoped Noah would be there, fully recovered. But Noah didn't come. Luke figured he didn't want to see him. He didn't know everyone assumed it was Luke that didn't want to see Noah.

He gave his mom his gift for Noah, asking her to give it to him. It was a picture of himself, with a note. It seemed vain, but he really wanted Noah to have something of him, to remember him. He didn't know Noah thought it was because he was never coming back. Luke sent it for different reasons: so Noah could hold onto something of him, til he moved back, when his lease was up.

He wanted Noah to see how he looked, partly to see if Noah was still attracted to him. His hair was longer and he was older even if only slightly. But part of him had to know.

He prayed Noah hadn't moved on, prayed he stilled wanted him.

When Noah didn't say anything back, he had put his address on the back of the note, he decided to stay in Connecticut. He figured Noah must have moved on. The thought almost broke Luke's heart, instead it was left bruised and waiting to be fixed again.

He stayed there for four more years, not hearing much about Noah. Lily had opted against telling Luke about Noah's move into his old room, about Noah in his clothes which never would have fitted before and were too big now. He didn't know Noah spent a year in the room, never coming out. He didn't know how Noah was wasting away.

It was the second attempt on Noah's life, in the fifth year he was gone that brought Luke back to Oakdale.

His eyes were burnt with tears when he saw Noah. "What happened to you, Noah?" he asked.

Noah didn't say anything. Luke would later find out Noah's vocal cords shut down, and his vision was starting to deteriorate. Noah was barely living. His heartbeat the only proof.

Luke kissed Noah while he slept. He hadn't stopped crying since he got there. Couldn't. The sight of Noah like this: a skeleton of the man he was when Luke first left. Noah's eyes fluttered open, blinking rapidly when he saw Luke. He opened his mouth, trying to speak, temporarily forgetting he'd lost his voice. Instead he settled on reaching for Luke's hand. Luke's eyes flickered to the bandages covering Noah's wrist and part of his arm.

Luke grasped his hand, thumb running over the bandage. "I love you, Noah," he whispered.

Noah smiled, his first real smile in years. "I--I lo--ve you too," he whispered back, even softer than Luke. His voice was hoarse from lack of use, even before losing his voice he didn't have the need to speak. It was the first time he had spoken in almost two and a half weeks.

Luke stroked his face, kissing him again. "I'm sorry," he murmured against his lips.

"Don't be," Noah said. "It was my fault."

He gently wiped Noah's away tears. "I'm not leaving you again," he said softly in his ear.

"Good, I don't think I could take it again," Noah replied, looking down as his wrists.

Luke brought Noah's wrist to his lips and place soft kisses on them, wanting to fix what was broken. "Why'd you do it? I don't und--twice. I-- I came to your room the f--first time, I left before you woke up, I couldn't imagine why you would--I don't know what I would do if you--"

"Hey, hey, don't get upset. I'm still here aren't I?"

"God, you're laying here in a hospital bed after-- and you're comforting me. What's wrong with this picture?"

Noah laughed. "Just because I'm in the hospital doesn't mean I can't comfort you, Luke."

"I know, it's just-- I missed you, you know. You're so…thin and pale. Not like when I…I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left. If I hadn't, you'd--I'm sorry."

"Luke, Luke. It's okay. It's not your fault. It's mi--"

"No, Noah, it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. We just--it's been five years, can you believe that? We'll just start over."

"Start over?" Noak asked, confused.

"Hi, I'm Luke Snyder. I grew up in Oakdale. I'm 23 and I'm a writer, nice to meet you."

Noah laughed. "Hi Luke, I'm Noah Mayer."

Luke smiled. "I've missed you so much."

"I know we're starting over and all, but can you still kiss me?"

Luke nodded, leaning down and pressing his lips to Noah's, moving as close as possible without disturbing Noah's wires.

"If I'd known this is what it would take for you to kiss me like that I would have done this a long time ago," Noah joked.

"Noah!" Luke exclaimed, appalled.

"I'm joking. Can't a guy joke about his attempted suicide?"

"No, Noah. You can't. It's not funny. I could have--I could have--I could have lost you…and you would have thought I'd moved on and that I never felt anything for you," he said, reaching out to stroke Noah's face. "How did I live so long without you?"

"I was just thinking the same thing."

Luke kissed him again, letting his lips linger, though not as long as he would have liked.

"Is this real?" Noah asked when Luke pulled away again.

"Yeah, it's real. I've already pinched myself," Luke half teased.

Noah yawned, leaning back and closing his eyes, hand firmly attached to Luke's.

"I'm going to go, you need to rest. But I'll be back in a few hours, okay? I--uh. I had Aaron move your stuff into my apartment. I hope that's okay," he said quietly.

Noah smiled. "In Connecticut?" he asked sleepily.

Luke looked confused, not remembering if he'd told Noah where he'd moved.

"I heard your mom say something about it before I -- I grasped onto anything I could of you, even phone calls with your mom," Noah said embarrassed.

"I'm sorry," Luke whispered again, ignoring Noah's protests. "But no, not Connecticut. I moved back as soon as I heard about--" He gestured towards Noah's wrists.

Noah yawned again and Luke knew he had to leave to let him sleep, he just didn't want to be away from him after being apart for five years and almost losing him.

Luke got up, kissing Noah on the forehead, thinking he'd fallen asleep.

He was almost out the door when he heard, "It is okay, moving my stuff in. There's nowhere I'd rather be," he trailed off. "You'll be here later, right?"

"Of course."

"So, this is my humble abode," Luke said opening the door for Noah. He had just checked Noah out of the hospital. "It's not much, but it's the best thing I could find fast and--"

"It's great," Noah interrupted.

Luke wondered if Noah thought it odd that they were living together after all this time. Luke wasn't even sure what he thought of it. When he asked Aaron to move the stuff, he acted without thinking but he was glad.

He looked over at Noah whose eyes were focused on the few boxes in the middle of the room marked "Noah."

"I--uh. There are two bedrooms. I didn't know-- if you-- do you want the other room or you can s--stay in mine. I don't -- whichever is fine," Luke explained in a rush. He wasn't even sure what they were. Friends? That didn't seem right. Boyfriends? They'd been through too much to fit such a simple word.

Noah smiled. "Your room is fine."

Luke looked relieved. He guessed boyfriends would have to do. "Okay. It's um, the last door down the hall. I'll move all this stuff in, help you get settled." Luke said, grimacing at his words. Noah wasn't a little kid, Luke just felt so protective of him. He was so scared to lose him. He turned to leave the room, a box in hand. Noah took the box from him and all at once grabbed him pulling Luke close, capturing his lips, knocking the breath out of the other guy, surprised.

Noah looped his fingers in the loops of Luke's jeans, pulling him flush against him. He backed them into a wall, pushing his hips more firmly to Luke's. Luke moaned, trying to pull away. But Noah wouldn't have any of that. He moved one of his hands from Luke's waist instead, threading it in Luke's hair, keeping him from moving away. Luke couldn't help but notice the desperation in Noah's kisses and actions.

It never occurred to him that Noah might be trying to make up for five years all at once. Noah's hands pulled at the fabric of his shirt, twisting it in one hand as the other traveled across Luke's newly exposed skin. Luke groaned wanting more than anything to give in completely, but logically needing to make sure this is what Noah really wanted.

He pushed at Noah's shoulder, hard enough to separate their lips. Luke noticed the cold he felt at the lack of contact. His lips tingled and he absentmindedly brought his fingers up to them.

Noah had caught his breath and his line of vision was immediately drawn back to Luke's lips swaying into him.

"Noah--Noah, you just got out of the hospital," Luke protested weakly, trying to side step away from the wall.

"From a suicide attempt, not major surgery," Noah said, pressing his lips to Luke's again. He pulled away to speak, "I'm fine, Luke. I want this. Luke, I need this."

"I--are you sure?" he asked. He ran his hand nervously threw his hair. He finally got away from the wall, taking a step away from Noah. Having him so close made it hard for him to concentrate or simply think.

Noah's answer was to kiss, leading him down the hall, hands searching for the door handle.

Luke pulled off his shirt, forcing their lips apart, dropping the shirt to the ground. Noah's eyes eagerly drank in the sight of Luke's skin and his hands followed suit, running and skimming over every available inch. Luke flushed under Noah's gaze. It was almost innocent the way Noah's eyes darted along the length of his body. Five years was too long to stay away and for the millionth time in those five years Luke regretted ever leaving. But it did get them here. And Luke felt that almost made up for it.

Shaking himself from his thoughts, Luke started on the buttons of Noah's shirt, slowly unbuttoning them and exposing Noah's skin inch by inch. His gaze lingered on the scars on Noah's wrists, again reminding him this wasn't a fairytale. Not even close.

Noah had his arm was thrown over Luke's stomach, his head buried in his neck. He seemed to be clinging as tightly as he could to him. Luke found he liked waking up this way, Noah wrapped around him.

As much as he longed to stay in bed like this, he really couldn't. He had work, luckily he'd be able to transfer, and his family wanted to see him. He didn't have the heart to tell them he'd rather stay with Noah. Lingering in the back of his mind were the suicide attempts. He was scared Noah would do it again. Noah assured him he wouldn't not as long as Luke was there. And Luke felt such guilt that he'd driven Noah to do that. It made him want to lock Noah away in their room and stay there forever.

He rolled out of bed, away from his grasp, walking to the bathroom, grabbing a towel from the linen closet on the way.

Time for life to start again.

Noah woke up slowly, disorientated. Alone. He wondered where Luke was. 'Did I dream him?' Noah thought.

He looked around, not recognizing where he was. He didn't hear the shower running. He curled up, wanting to go back to sleep. He liked his dream world so much better.

He was half way asleep when Luke got out of the shower and came into the room, laying back down and wrapping his arms around Noah's waist. He pressed a kiss to his shoulder, whispering, "I love you," and holding Noah even closer.

Noah shifted, turning to face Luke. Luke smiled, liking the affectionate side of Noah he'd never experienced before today and the night before.

"Luke…" he mumbled, lips brushing Luke's jaw. "I thought I dreamed you."

Luke's eyes softened in concern. "Dreamed me?"

"You were here b--before. I thought maybe I dreamed it all-- Wouldn't be the first time. I thought I dreamed you coming back after the fi--"

Luke cut him off with a kiss. "I'm not a dream," he reassured Noah.


End file.
